Is this a good stroy so far? Can anyone help me on what happens next.. this is my first story. I'm dumbfounded

WASHINGTON BEACH


The girl with the long, silky, brown hair was relaxing on the nice warm, white sand. She loved the salty smell of the ocean, and the soothing sounds the waves made when they curled and spread out. She always got caught up in her head when, the sun hit the water, and made the skies light up in colors of earth tones. No one could ruin this moment, but the storm. It was starting to take over the sea, forcing the water to start to rumble. The clouds began pushing the sun, down with its force, making the color run afar.


Then a streak of lightning struck! She had awakened, and fell right down to reality. She quickly got up, and scuttled home. Rain was falling, as if the clouds were weeping. When she had gotten home her mother was outside yelling, “Ariel! Ariel! Get in the basement! Hurry! Grab your dog and get in the basement!” Arial stood there for a second. Then she ran into the urban styled house, scooped up the tiny dog at the door, and put him in the dark, clammy basement. She turned around, and saw the harsh storm coming! The wind was picking up over by the mountain. It started to swirl, like the dog when he chases his tail. Her mother grabbed her by the arm and pulled her in the basement while shutting the doors. “I hope your father is ok” she said, lighting the candles.


“Mom, daddy is fine.” Ariel picked up her little Chihuahua, and put him in the pen they kept for him, and turned the radio on. “Are we going to be ok? I was down by the beach, and it got grave fast.” “Sweetie, I’m sure we will be fine. Our home might not be.” They both chortled, and sat down. They pondered upon the noises coming from outside. A few hours later the sounds had stopped. The man on the radio said the tornado has died down and is now just finishing and for everyone to remain calm. “Mom, you know when they say remain calm that’s just when I start to worry.” “Oh, stop that, he is just trying to be helpful. Now, let’s listen to what he has to say.”


The man continued and said, “We are very sorry to report this, but almost all of Washington beach is gone. To everyone who is tuning in I repeat Washington beach is almost completely gone. The storm came up on us like a cockroach.” The radio started making ludicrous noises, and gave out. “Oops, I had forgotten to put new batteries in. I am so sorry.”


“Its ok mom, we don’t need that radio anyways. I just can’t believe our home is gone. It is gone just like everything else right? It went so quick.


Mom! What are we going to do?” “We are going to find a phone when we can get out of here, and call your father. He will know what to do next.” Both of them were ready to see the destruction that had occurred. Mother lifted the door of the basement. “Gasp! Er..Uhh..Ariel, Darling, you stay in here and keep an eye on the dog for me. I don’t want her getting hurt; besides she is just a little baby.”


“Mom, I’m not a baby. I am twelve years old! I think I can handle what it looks like.” Mother looked at Ariel and said “Ok, but you still have to stay here so I know where you are.” She took out her distinct, glossy, ebony colored cell phone and held it up towards the evolving sky. “Hmm… No Signal. You have to stay here; I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t find you out there. It is jeopardous out here! Please stay here with the dog.” “Fine, I will stay.” Mother left in search to find a working phone.


After about thirty minutes, Ariel couldn’t take it anymore. She had to go out there. “I could just take a peek. I mean it’s not like a crime or anything, and mom would never know.” She said. “Oh! I have to find a way to bring you, Butterscotch.” She then started searching for an old purse she used to carry him in. “Here it is!” She took the purple bag with the bright orange letters on it, and put the dog in the bag. “Now, let’s go on an adventure.”


She slipped her bright pink rain boots on, and opened the door. To her surprise there was nothing there! Her house wasn’t even there. She just stared at what was left of her white and green, urban styled home. She then looked towards the beach. “Well, at least the beach is there. Although, how could a beach not be there, it has to be there.”


She stepped out of the basement and glanced at a figure from afar. He stopped then started running towards her. “Ariel! I’m so glad I found you! Where on earth have you been?!? Everyone is supposed to be at the town meeting! Common!” he said with a shriek voice. Ariel looked at him with no emotions. “What is the meeting about?”


“I don’t know that’s why we have to go!!! Common!! We have to get going!” The boy pulled on her arm. “Danny, is your house ok?” He didn’t reply. “Danny!” Danny stopped and said, “My house got picked up by the storm.” “Oh, I’m sorry” “No, it’s ok. No one has a house anyways. This whole Island is covered with house materials. It is a disgrace this happened; I wonder where everyone else is.” “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach before the storm. Everyone had gone home, but I didn’t notice.”


“We need to get to that meeting Ariel.” They both started on their way to the meeting. On the way they saw all the real damage that had happened. Trees in the middle of the football stadium, nothing but rubbish everywhere, houses were in streets, and lights were even on the beach! It seemed like there wasn’t even grass, or sand. “Nothing but crap!” “Oh, common Danny we can clean it up. We can make the best of this. This can be the start of a new beginning.” “This could also be a new ending Ariel!” “Stop thinking like that! Now, let’s just get there!” They finally arrived at the meeting. The entire town’s people, along with their leftover belongings, were there.


The mayor had just begun to speak, when they had arrived. The whole town was chattering amongst themselves. The Mayor stood on an old table he had spotted, and said, “Silence! This meeting will go by shortly if we can all participate! Thank you. Now, I as mayor am going to see to it that we can get some help, but until then we all have to work together. Before anyone interrupts me, I would like to say this couldn’t get any worse. You as the people need to get together all the food you have. We will feed everyone equally, and fairly, but first we need order. This means we will have certain groups with certain jobs to fulfill. Everyone must do there job! Ok, so are there any questions, before I give out jobs?” Ten people raise their hands as high as they can reach. “Ok, good no questions. I want everyone in age groups. All the kids by that tire, everyone in there teens by that limping tree thing, Oh! and all the adults over by that bus.” Everyone had started to chit-chat, as they moved. “I told everyone to be quiet! You people must be quiet!”


After everyone had there jobs, Ariel took it upon herself to seek her friends.

Is this a good stroy so far? Can anyone help me on what happens next.. this is my first story. I%26#039;m dumbfounded
I%26#039;ll be honest; you%26#039;re right, it%26#039;s not great writing.


But you wouldn%26#039;t expect to sit down and write your first piano concerto without any trouble would you?


Writing, like every other skill in life, takes practice, and the important thing is that you have begun! This isn%26#039;t that dire; you have good potential but you need to polish your style, master point-of-view and dialogue, and learn to make it flow better.


The best ways to learn are by reading, writing lots of different stories about different types of characters and settings, and perhaps reading some books about how to write (try the books at the link below).


So keep it up, and good luck!
Reply:yes, i agree with all the people before me, just one more thing. make the beginning smoother. i feel you rushed it when the storm was coming. make it a little more drawn out. also, i am quoting:


%26quot;No one could ruin this moment, but the storm. %26quot;


the %26quot;no one%26quot; should be %26quot;nothing%26quot;.


also:


%26quot;She quickly got up, and scuttled home. %26quot;


unless that is how you potrayed it in your mind it should be a word meaning a little faster than scuttle which means a short, hurried run. maybe %26quot;sprinted%26quot;?or just plain old %26quot;ran%26quot;?


other than that it was good and descriptive. i really liked it.
Reply:It is a great story....certainly kept me reading - just one thing, using the word (common) for %26quot;come on%26quot;....other than that - it is very good....please let me know when you finish it :)
Reply:It%26#039;s a great story line. Your writing style is a bit unpolished, and you need to make your conversations within the story seem more realistic. Maybe blend some of your sentences together? The idea is not to create run-on sentences, of course, but the writing seems sort of choppy. Oh, and where you wrote %26quot;Common!%26quot;, do you mean %26quot;C%26#039;mon%26quot;? Just a suggestion. You have a great mind, and are on a roll...keep up the good work! Best of luck.
Reply:I believe you should have described the crumbling of her house. When she got out with the dog it felt a bit like a suprise the house was gone. If she stayed at the basement it would make a hell of a rubble when the house was to collapse. So you missed out that moment.





Aside from that, you don%26#039;t really hear that much of %26#039;mom%26#039; in conversations between family members. Just try to put yourself in the dialogue part. But that%26#039;s a minor thing.





Oh, and do remember, practice makes perfect. The more you write the better you get.





It wasn%26#039;t bad!



sunburn