Is the start of this essay any good? Decribe a childhood memory which left you with pleasant memories?

As my mum turned our Rover left onto the long driveway which lead up the hill to our destination, I was sucking air through the hole in a polo whilst winning my weekly battle trying to force my feet down into my riding boots. I looked passed the rain starting to lick the car window at the lambs playing with each other in the lush green grass and at their mothers suspiciously giving us the eye as we crawled past them and pulled into the carpark. My mum switched off the engine, cutting the Moody Blues off in their tracks and I excitedly flung open the door and leapt straight into a deep puddle which just seemed to be sitting there waiting to for me to churn up the mud and dust hidden beneath its surface.


“Jo” I yelled excitedly whilst waving in her direction, trying to catch the attention of my riding instructor, who had been teaching me for the last 5 months. “Hello Anna, hello Denise” came her no nonsense response, in her thick Northumberland tones,

Is the start of this essay any good? Decribe a childhood memory which left you with pleasant memories?
This is some really great writing! I hope you don't mind my input, but I've offerred some suggestions... just some punctuation changes really. (Me and my uni friends help each other out with proof-reading all the time). The stuff in brackets [ ] is where I've recommended changes... you can take em or leave em. Good luck with it : )








[As mum turned left into our long driveway] which lead up the hill to our destination, I was sucking air through the hole in a polo whilst winning [the battle of forcing] my feet down into my riding boots. I looked ["through?" or past - not passed] the rain starting to lick the car window at the lambs playing with each other in the lush green [grass. Their] mothers suspiciously [gave us the eye] as we [crawled past them - did you really crawl, like on the ground? = drove would be better] and pulled into the carpark. [Mum] switched off the engine, cutting the Moody Blues off in their tracks and I excitedly flung open the [door. I leapt] straight into a deep puddle which just seemed to be sitting there waiting for me to churn up the mud and dust hidden beneath its surface.


“Jo” I yelled excitedly [delete=whilst waving in her direction], trying to catch the attention of my riding instructor, who had been teaching me for the last 5 months. “Hello Anna, hello Denise” came her no nonsense response, in her thick Northumberland tones,





“[G]o and tack up Twinkle, we’ll be riding out shortly, and don’t shout around the horses young lady!” she scolded [delete=me]


“and put your riding hat on!” added [delete="my" this makes it sound more personal, and we already know you're talking about your mum] mum as she followed Jo into the porta cabin that was used as the office.


[this next sentence is a little too long, maybe break it up into two?] I walked through the small rectangular yard in which small puddles of spring showers were starting to gather, the drains blocked up with tiny bits of hay and straw, past the grey stone mounting block on my left which Twinkle would never stand still at and which a fortnight ago I had slipped off, bruising my confidence more than anything else. I crept silently through the open door into the C shaped stable block, not wanting to break the calm quiet in which all I could hear was the heavy breathing of the few horses who were in their stables. [%26lt;=really good!]





My eyes adjusted to the inadequate glow cast by the low voltage light bulbs, which was helped only by the shafts of light breaking in from outside through the gaps in the [wood. Particles] of dust could be seen flying about before becoming invisible [again as they passed] into the shadows. The atmosphere was warmer than outside[,] and the air was thick with [a] musty smell of straw mixed with manure. The sweet scent of sugar beet stood out the most amongst all the other combined smells[.] [maybe delete="of the many horse products I had to remember the uses for." or make another sentence]. I passed the feed room on my left, [delete=and] then the tack room a little further up, and made my way past empty boxes to the right. Straight ahead of me ['Mouse' =needs single inverted commas], an American Palomino was tearing at the hay in his hay net[. He didn't acknowledge] my presence as I walked passed him and turned into the middle corridor of the stable block where the light was even dimmer than before.





[That's really cool, I'm impressed. Make sure you keep writing, you're very creative. Also, feel free to email me if you ever want a hand proof-reading : ]
Reply:iliked it thank you .
Reply:Darling, that's fabulous.....





No really. Although the general rule with sentence construction is: " Don't make it longer than you can say in one breath."


In this case, the frantic overdetailed narrative gives a sense of excitement and breathlessness.





Well done Darling....
Reply:Its "Past" not "passed".





It also sounds better to put the adjective after the verb, ie " I flung open the door, excitedly", although thats a matter of personal taste.





The sentences are a little long. You have to think how easy it would be to read aloud in front of the class. You'd be gasping for breath! You could shorten them ie





"My mum turned our Rover left onto the long driveway which lead up the hill to our destination. I was sucking air through the hole in a polo whilst slowly winning my weekly battle. Trying to force my feet down into my riding boots was not easy. . ." etc





Other than that its fantastic! Very descriptive and evocative (I can smell the stableyard and the leather of the saddles and hear the Moody Blues! lol)





Make sure you address all the senses in your account - ie sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. How did the Polo taste? Cool, Minty, Sweet? Did it make your mouth water? Did you wash it down with some crisp bubbly spring water which burned on your tongue, already sensitised from the mint?





What could you smell - stableyards have a distinctive smell! The warm sweaty smell of the horses, the sweet pungent smell of the manure pile, the salt of the leather in the tack room, the strong scent of the saddlesoap?





What could you hear? The contented munching of the horses in their stalls? The rhythmic thumping of Conker kicking inpatiently against his stable door? The excited chatter of your friends as they pulled on their boots?





Touch - what did your boots feel like? Rough, smooth? Were you holding your riding crop, how did that feel? Did you pat your favourite horse as you passed? How did his neck feel? Warm, damp etc? What was the weather like? Cold crisp autumnal morning or a balmy spring evening?





The point I'm getting at is the most evocative writing does not just tell us what is going on, it prompts us to use our imaginations to experience everything in the story, with all of our senses. you've already given us a few clues - the rain on the windows and lush green grass (sight), the Moody Blues on the stereo (sound), the Polo (taste), now just expand it a bit further!





Good luck and post the finished version - we'd love to read it!!!
Reply:I think it is very good. You have a good writing talent and it is very descriptive. Hope you get a good grade on it. Keep going with your writing and who knows where it will take you in life!
Reply:I like it!
Reply:lol hurry up and finish it i wanna read the rest !!! its really good xx
Reply:not sure if you think ok go for it
Reply:I feel that some of the impact is lost because of the long sentences at the start. For example, I would end the first sentence after 'destination'. 'I sucked thoughtfully at a Polo trying to draw air through that hole in the middle.' 'It was raining pretty heavily by now as I battled with my weekly task.....' 'All of a sudden I felt a reassuring sound as the second boot fell into place around my ankle.'


Grammar is an awful thing. Check whether you mean 'onto' or 'into', 'lead' or 'led' 'passed' or 'past' and whether you are using conjunctions to join two completely different thoughts.


BUT it's a good start that can have a great deal more impact.
Reply:Very good desciption going on here, but you need to introduce the characters before going into depth. This is more like chapter 2 rather than an intro.
Reply:Yes, I enjoyed it - full of detail and I could visualise everything
Reply:That's not bad. A little tweaking and it would look quite professionally done.



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